We Moved

S&J Edition is now on wordpress!!!\
http://sjedition.com/
See you all there.

CJ's Sweet Smile

We received this sweet picture last week of our little man. I love that we get to finally see his smile. He looks so content and loved. For this I am forever grateful. I can't believe we get to be his parents. I am a lucky mama. We have not received any updates on our paperwork but we are hoping things continue to move along smoothly and that Korea starts issuing exit visas more frequently than they have been.

Under Construction

Changes coming!!! Keep posted :)

Rain and Legals

We got an update today. Our legals are waiting to be notarized at the consulate. I don't know how long that usually takes; however, it does mean that our paperwork is moving along. Once we get our legals we will be able to start our USCIS process. From here we just wait until the backlog of families from last year is cleared. I hope they go quickly for all of those families. Many have been waiting for over 6 months for their children's exit visas. It is time for these children to come home. CJ's time will come soon and I can not wait for that day. We have been fighting an uphill battle for so long. He is the answer to so many tearful questions and prayers. I hope I never let him forget that he is the our perfect son.

We Have A Son!!!!

The holidays have kept me from the blogesphear so this update is a little late. We received our referral on December 22nd. He is 7months old today and we can't wait to snuggle him.

Coming Up on 5 months

I think I am talking to myself but just in case someone out there is following us; I thought I would post another update.

We are quickly approaching our 5 month waiting mark. It seems we came across the perfect storm with our referral of a long waiting list and immigration issues. All in all we are expecting that our wait will continue for a few more months. We can only be getting closer. There are a lot of unknowns right now but we are still moving forward in a sitting still sort of fashion.

The wait continues

As another week fly's by I ask myself, where did we go wrong. Having spent so long trying to become a family of three has taken a toll on our hearts, our family and our friends. If I could explain the emptiness in words I would but I can't. It is like feeling perpetually misunderstood and completely numb. Sitting still is so hard to do when you feel like your alone. For now I stare at our empty nursery and hope with all the hope in my heart that our time is coming soon because I don't know how much longer my heart can take the sadness.

14 weeks

Well for all those keeping up with our adoption process, we have reached and exceeded our 3 month mark waiting for our referral. It does not look like we are going to hear anything anytime soon.

The Waiting Continues

On Monday we will reach our 11 week wait marker. It has been a very busy summer and has made the waiting process go by more quickly than I would have expected. We have tried to do small things to help remind us that we are indeed going to become parents. The nursery is starting to look like a room. Our agency has told us that the wait times are longer due to a significant increase in the numbers of families waiting for referrals. We will continue to wait patiently until our child is found. We know that it may be a long time until we meet each other but eventually we will all be together.

I think about our child every day and wonder when we will meet, who they will be and of our journey to become a family. This journey has been long and sometimes painful; however, it is said that anything worthwhile takes effort.

A Small Update

I am changing this post because I realized my dates were way off. Monday makes 6 weeks of waiting for our phone to ring. In the world of adoption time lines, this is not a long wait. Every week marks one more week closer to our referral. This is both exciting and nerve racking. I think the idea of having a child naturally brings on this sense of dread. What do I know about parenting and how the heck am I going to figure it out when they hand me that precious child. We are ready to hit the ground running;however, are trying our best to keep our nerves under wraps. It has taken us a lot to get to this point. I can't tell you how many times we felt we would never be here. Now that we are I have to admit I am a little scared. For now we wait, the rest will come when time is ready.

Some Important Notes

As our adoption process moves forward, I can't help but think about the implications of becoming a parent to a child of a different race and genetic background. Unfortunately society has many sweeping judgments about adoption and we have to face the fact that we are soon going to be members of this misunderstood community. Luckily the conversation is opening up and I am writing this to add our voice to the community. I hope and pray that by opening up this conversation we will make people think before they assume.

1. Our child has a history that began before they joined our family. They experienced a loss that is very real to their story. They lost a family,their genetic connection, their cultural identity and their history. This is not something that can be dismissed. How they cope with this loss is something that our family will deal with as our child grows. I hope we find the wisdom they need to move forward.

2. Our family will not diminish the importance of our child's birth family, EVER. I like to think of them as part of our family. I stand in awe of them and hope one day to tell them in person how much I appreciate them giving the best of themselves to us.

3. Our child is our own. Even though we struggled with infertility,adoption was never a second choice. This was not something that choose us. We choose adoption and all that comes with it. Giving birth may be the "typical" way to build a family but it is not the only or superior way. We are not going to dilute ourselves into believing that building a family through adoption is no different that having birth children. We can not parent like our child was born to us and ignore the roots that were given to them by their birth family. We are their real parents but not their only ones. We will love him/her because he/she will be our child; I don't think that requires explanation or justification.

4. OUR CHILD WAS NOT RESCUED FROM KOREA. This makes me furious. America is not the mecca of the universe. Korea is a beautiful country with a rich culture and amazing people. I miss it sometimes and am insulted that people who have never stepped foot in the country assume that it is an awful place. Even if our child was from an impoverished nation, adoption is not charity. We are building our family. I don't think adoptees need to feel as if they owe their parents something. I wish society would stop feeding this crap to society. Seriously, if people adopt to "save a poor orphan" they really should reconsider.

5. Our child is their own individual person who will be respected as such. They will see the world in their own unique way. I can't wait to get to know each other and learn from each other.

5. Our child is Korean. They are a minority in this country.They may be raised by white parents; however, this does not make them white. They are not immune to crude jokes aimed at minorities. They are aware of their "asianness". I have read many blogs from adult adoptees that speak loudly of their torn identity. They spend a lifetime struggling to find who they are. It does not help when they have a negative image of Korea or Asian culture(which is so varied that it is impossible to generalize, but I will save that for another post).

6. Our child's story is their own and not for others to know. It is their right to tell who they wish.

7. Adoptees do not owe their parents anything. This goes along with number 4. We are not angels for adopting.





I am sure I will think of other things as our journey continues. I realized after reading other blogs, it was time for me to put my two cents out there. I do think that most assumptions come from laziness. People are too lazy to listen, learn and open their minds. Our family feels very strongly about these points. We hope to raise our child with a healthy sense of self and to have respect for others. I fear society's input and know that we can only do so much. Maybe this is my attempt to put it out there, hoping it will open up the conversation.

Summer is here

Oh how this title brings a smile to my face. The past few months have been hectic. We finished up school, moved and finished our home study this month. Talk about being torn in multiple directions, whew. Now we prepare for a summer filled with home prep and waiting for our referral. So this is all we have going on right now.

Change Is

Worry! I see it as this little springy monster, kind of like the noid from Pizza Hut, jumping around in my head. Most of the time this little creature ventures into my subconscious when it is not occupied with other things. Idol hands, in my case, make a silent mind impossible. With 2009 already underway I can't help to wonder what this year is going to bring. In so many ways life continues to move forward but in many of the key areas of our life, it has stood stone still. It is then when I am in a state of over thinking that I realize that I have been placing too much on two key events. It has been a difficult art to not define my life by my inability to attain these things. The refining process of self discovery continues; however, I feel the tug of my heart being strapped down. This perpetual holding pattern caused by my inability to control the forces of nature. Even as things progress in our adoption, I find it difficult to accept that the dream of parenthood is actually going to happen. I keep waiting for the door to slam shut on us. This weekend we allowed ourselves to open up to the possibility. After a wonderful weekend in Arizona getting to know the amazing people that will bring us and our child together, we were able to open up. We spent the weekend removing the bricks that we have built to protect our hearts from rejection. I finally allowed myself to buy something for our child. A little stuffed tortoise. It felt amazing to embrace possibility.

Where our little love is coming from

I was feeling sentimental and thought I would share some of our pictures from Korea. I can't help but reflect, especially when I think that this is where our baby is going to be born.

We received this today in our adoption class. I thought it was very touching and wanted to share. There are times when I feel people think that adoption erases the pain we have associated with our infertility. It is a difficult thing to explain but I don't feel like the two are connected. We will always feel a loss associated with our inability to conceive. This hurt does not diminish the importance we place on our adoption journey. It is a choice we made despite our infertility not because of it. This process is about loss, love, hope, challenge, joy and endurance.

Welcome To Holland
by
Emily P. Kingsley

When your going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum, The Michelangelo's David, The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go, several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

Holland??? you say. What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland, and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease, It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Soooooo, I never know how to start these things. I really don't think anyone reads my posts anyways. The end of the year is quickly approaching and what a year it has been. Lots of smiles, a few tears and some great memories. I love the holidays and every year hold on to them far too long by leaving our tree up until February. That is the great thing about having a fake tree. I know that none of this makes any sense but again the only people that read this already know we are crazy so why change pace.

Seriously, this year has been one for the record books. I don't know how to sum it up; therefore, I will leave it at that. We will enter 2009 with a new determination. Both of us are continuing our education. I hope to get into a real university, finally. We hope to return to SD in April. But, the best news of all, again I don't think anyone reads this so essentially I am talking to myself, we are going to adopt. Yep not just plan on it but actually do it. The paperwork has begun and we picked an agency, and our home study agency. Now all we have to do is fill out paperwork, no small feat, get accepted and wait. Then there is more waiting, a bit more and then, yep more waiting and then, WE GET TO GO GET OUR BABY. Finally light at the end of the tunnel. Well off to bed with a smile on my face and a new bounce in my step.

To a fabulously challenging year; may it bring us the wisdom we need to continue through our journey with smiles and lots and lots of laughter. Did I mention I am talking to myself :).

Au revoir mes amis

There are times in life when it is best to just let go of the wheel. Often letting go is the hardest thing to do. Lately it has not been so difficult. After four years of trying to rationalize my way out of a situation, I am exhausted. This has caused the interesting side effect of being in a state of total calm under circumstances that should naturally produce the opposite reaction. Well, either I have gone completely off the deep end or have finally surrendered to God's will and know that only he can ordain the miracle we need and so desperately desire.

I also have a constant awareness of how precious time is. I do not for one second take my life for granted. I appreciate the many blessing that have been given to me. Sometimes I sit in amazement at how lucky I have been to find such an amazing husband and friend. When looking back at my life over the past seven years, I see the beautiful beginnings to a wonderful piece of art. I truly believe that our strength is in each other. It humbles me to think that our life is divinely directed; this fact also gives me peace. Thank you lord for my extraordinary life and the perspective to see beyond our struggles.

Thoughts

I usually don't post anything this personal but then In the spirit of the rambling below; I thought I need to do what I fear in order to grow. So in the spirit of personal growth, here it goes.

What I fear today

Today, and for sometime now, I have feared that my greatest fear has come true. Growing up I had one great fear, that I would live my life without making a mark or a difference. I did not just want to exist but to radiate through life. I am sure at the time I did not quite understand what this meant. I had a romanticized idea of becoming some kind of heroin of leading the type of life that inspired epic stories and life changing movies. Naive, yes, and now I find that this great fear has indeed become a reality and even though I have gained some wisdom with age, I find that I am still driven by the fear of existence. My idea of how to avoid mediocrity has changed. I no longer believe that my story needs to make movies and inspire books but I am still driven by the need to make a difference. A profound passion that burns deep in my heart to give hope to others. I find that my fear of invisibility has found a new home in the inability to have children. I see this childhood fear tightening its grip as I realize that the possibility of growing old and not knowing the joy of having a family of my own. This is not the only thing that has caused me to feel that I am destined to be nothing more than a wonderer with high hopes and dreams. The past three years have been a devastating reminder of the deep and tremendous flaws that make up who I am. As depressing as this sounds, I know that there is hope. I know that my life is not over and that where hope dwells things will change. Why do I let my fears rule me? I may feel like I am not good enough, strong enough or smart enough; but, my journey is not mine to decide. My purpose is not defined by what I think I can do but by what God knows I am capable of. I may fear a great deal of things but fear makes us lose perspective of reality. I may die one day, without family to call my own. The world may think that my little family is small and insignificant but it is not. We hold more love than most and have found something worth holding on to. Isn’t that enough? I may fear insignificance, it is not going to stop me from trying. What does fear do to us? It cripples us from moving forward and blinds us from our accomplishments. Fear stops us from taking chances. So, today I look at my fear, my greatest stronghold and know that it will not stop me from walking. I will not allow my fear to amplify my struggles or mock me when I fall. I will not listen when fear tells me I am not good enough. I do not need to be magnificent, perfect or of great importance to fulfill my dreams. What I do have to do is stop focusing on my self and focus on what I was made for, and since I don’t know the answer to that, I will consult my maker. He knows my ability, purpose and path and in him I will find my strength and courage to keep on walking.

Weekend with a BIG hole

Talk about a boat full of fun. Sam and I spent veterans day weekend at the Grand Canyon and surrounding areas. What a beautiful place, a return visit will be in order. We put a link to a few of our favorite pictures. If you have never taken a camping trip to this area, now maybe you will be convinced.