As our adoption process moves forward, I can't help but think about the implications of becoming a parent to a child of a different race and genetic background. Unfortunately society has many sweeping judgments about adoption and we have to face the fact that we are soon going to be members of this misunderstood community. Luckily the conversation is opening up and I am writing this to add our voice to the community. I hope and pray that by opening up this conversation we will make people think before they assume.
1. Our child has a history that began before they joined our family. They experienced a loss that is very real to their story. They lost a family,their genetic connection, their cultural identity and their history. This is not something that can be dismissed. How they cope with this loss is something that our family will deal with as our child grows. I hope we find the wisdom they need to move forward.
2. Our family will not diminish the importance of our child's birth family, EVER. I like to think of them as part of our family. I stand in awe of them and hope one day to tell them in person how much I appreciate them giving the best of themselves to us.
3. Our child is our own. Even though we struggled with infertility,adoption was never a second choice. This was not something that choose us. We choose adoption and all that comes with it. Giving birth may be the "typical" way to build a family but it is not the only or superior way. We are not going to dilute ourselves into believing that building a family through adoption is no different that having birth children. We can not parent like our child was born to us and ignore the roots that were given to them by their birth family. We are their real parents but not their only ones. We will love him/her because he/she will be our child; I don't think that requires explanation or justification.
4. OUR CHILD WAS NOT RESCUED FROM KOREA. This makes me furious. America is not the mecca of the universe. Korea is a beautiful country with a rich culture and amazing people. I miss it sometimes and am insulted that people who have never stepped foot in the country assume that it is an awful place. Even if our child was from an impoverished nation, adoption is not charity. We are building our family. I don't think adoptees need to feel as if they owe their parents something. I wish society would stop feeding this crap to society. Seriously, if people adopt to "save a poor orphan" they really should reconsider.
5. Our child is their own individual person who will be respected as such. They will see the world in their own unique way. I can't wait to get to know each other and learn from each other.
5. Our child is Korean. They are a minority in this country.They may be raised by white parents; however, this does not make them white. They are not immune to crude jokes aimed at minorities. They are aware of their "asianness". I have read many blogs from adult adoptees that speak loudly of their torn identity. They spend a lifetime struggling to find who they are. It does not help when they have a negative image of Korea or Asian culture(which is so varied that it is impossible to generalize, but I will save that for another post).
6. Our child's story is their own and not for others to know. It is their right to tell who they wish.
7. Adoptees do not owe their parents anything. This goes along with number 4. We are not angels for adopting.
I am sure I will think of other things as our journey continues. I realized after reading other blogs, it was time for me to put my two cents out there. I do think that most assumptions come from laziness. People are too lazy to listen, learn and open their minds. Our family feels very strongly about these points. We hope to raise our child with a healthy sense of self and to have respect for others. I fear society's input and know that we can only do so much. Maybe this is my attempt to put it out there, hoping it will open up the conversation.
