We received this today in our adoption class. I thought it was very touching and wanted to share. There are times when I feel people think that adoption erases the pain we have associated with our infertility. It is a difficult thing to explain but I don't feel like the two are connected. We will always feel a loss associated with our inability to conceive. This hurt does not diminish the importance we place on our adoption journey. It is a choice we made despite our infertility not because of it. This process is about loss, love, hope, challenge, joy and endurance.

Welcome To Holland
by
Emily P. Kingsley

When your going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum, The Michelangelo's David, The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go, several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

Holland??? you say. What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland, and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease, It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Soooooo, I never know how to start these things. I really don't think anyone reads my posts anyways. The end of the year is quickly approaching and what a year it has been. Lots of smiles, a few tears and some great memories. I love the holidays and every year hold on to them far too long by leaving our tree up until February. That is the great thing about having a fake tree. I know that none of this makes any sense but again the only people that read this already know we are crazy so why change pace.

Seriously, this year has been one for the record books. I don't know how to sum it up; therefore, I will leave it at that. We will enter 2009 with a new determination. Both of us are continuing our education. I hope to get into a real university, finally. We hope to return to SD in April. But, the best news of all, again I don't think anyone reads this so essentially I am talking to myself, we are going to adopt. Yep not just plan on it but actually do it. The paperwork has begun and we picked an agency, and our home study agency. Now all we have to do is fill out paperwork, no small feat, get accepted and wait. Then there is more waiting, a bit more and then, yep more waiting and then, WE GET TO GO GET OUR BABY. Finally light at the end of the tunnel. Well off to bed with a smile on my face and a new bounce in my step.

To a fabulously challenging year; may it bring us the wisdom we need to continue through our journey with smiles and lots and lots of laughter. Did I mention I am talking to myself :).

Au revoir mes amis

There are times in life when it is best to just let go of the wheel. Often letting go is the hardest thing to do. Lately it has not been so difficult. After four years of trying to rationalize my way out of a situation, I am exhausted. This has caused the interesting side effect of being in a state of total calm under circumstances that should naturally produce the opposite reaction. Well, either I have gone completely off the deep end or have finally surrendered to God's will and know that only he can ordain the miracle we need and so desperately desire.

I also have a constant awareness of how precious time is. I do not for one second take my life for granted. I appreciate the many blessing that have been given to me. Sometimes I sit in amazement at how lucky I have been to find such an amazing husband and friend. When looking back at my life over the past seven years, I see the beautiful beginnings to a wonderful piece of art. I truly believe that our strength is in each other. It humbles me to think that our life is divinely directed; this fact also gives me peace. Thank you lord for my extraordinary life and the perspective to see beyond our struggles.

Thoughts

I usually don't post anything this personal but then In the spirit of the rambling below; I thought I need to do what I fear in order to grow. So in the spirit of personal growth, here it goes.

What I fear today

Today, and for sometime now, I have feared that my greatest fear has come true. Growing up I had one great fear, that I would live my life without making a mark or a difference. I did not just want to exist but to radiate through life. I am sure at the time I did not quite understand what this meant. I had a romanticized idea of becoming some kind of heroin of leading the type of life that inspired epic stories and life changing movies. Naive, yes, and now I find that this great fear has indeed become a reality and even though I have gained some wisdom with age, I find that I am still driven by the fear of existence. My idea of how to avoid mediocrity has changed. I no longer believe that my story needs to make movies and inspire books but I am still driven by the need to make a difference. A profound passion that burns deep in my heart to give hope to others. I find that my fear of invisibility has found a new home in the inability to have children. I see this childhood fear tightening its grip as I realize that the possibility of growing old and not knowing the joy of having a family of my own. This is not the only thing that has caused me to feel that I am destined to be nothing more than a wonderer with high hopes and dreams. The past three years have been a devastating reminder of the deep and tremendous flaws that make up who I am. As depressing as this sounds, I know that there is hope. I know that my life is not over and that where hope dwells things will change. Why do I let my fears rule me? I may feel like I am not good enough, strong enough or smart enough; but, my journey is not mine to decide. My purpose is not defined by what I think I can do but by what God knows I am capable of. I may fear a great deal of things but fear makes us lose perspective of reality. I may die one day, without family to call my own. The world may think that my little family is small and insignificant but it is not. We hold more love than most and have found something worth holding on to. Isn’t that enough? I may fear insignificance, it is not going to stop me from trying. What does fear do to us? It cripples us from moving forward and blinds us from our accomplishments. Fear stops us from taking chances. So, today I look at my fear, my greatest stronghold and know that it will not stop me from walking. I will not allow my fear to amplify my struggles or mock me when I fall. I will not listen when fear tells me I am not good enough. I do not need to be magnificent, perfect or of great importance to fulfill my dreams. What I do have to do is stop focusing on my self and focus on what I was made for, and since I don’t know the answer to that, I will consult my maker. He knows my ability, purpose and path and in him I will find my strength and courage to keep on walking.