Thoughts

I usually don't post anything this personal but then In the spirit of the rambling below; I thought I need to do what I fear in order to grow. So in the spirit of personal growth, here it goes.

What I fear today

Today, and for sometime now, I have feared that my greatest fear has come true. Growing up I had one great fear, that I would live my life without making a mark or a difference. I did not just want to exist but to radiate through life. I am sure at the time I did not quite understand what this meant. I had a romanticized idea of becoming some kind of heroin of leading the type of life that inspired epic stories and life changing movies. Naive, yes, and now I find that this great fear has indeed become a reality and even though I have gained some wisdom with age, I find that I am still driven by the fear of existence. My idea of how to avoid mediocrity has changed. I no longer believe that my story needs to make movies and inspire books but I am still driven by the need to make a difference. A profound passion that burns deep in my heart to give hope to others. I find that my fear of invisibility has found a new home in the inability to have children. I see this childhood fear tightening its grip as I realize that the possibility of growing old and not knowing the joy of having a family of my own. This is not the only thing that has caused me to feel that I am destined to be nothing more than a wonderer with high hopes and dreams. The past three years have been a devastating reminder of the deep and tremendous flaws that make up who I am. As depressing as this sounds, I know that there is hope. I know that my life is not over and that where hope dwells things will change. Why do I let my fears rule me? I may feel like I am not good enough, strong enough or smart enough; but, my journey is not mine to decide. My purpose is not defined by what I think I can do but by what God knows I am capable of. I may fear a great deal of things but fear makes us lose perspective of reality. I may die one day, without family to call my own. The world may think that my little family is small and insignificant but it is not. We hold more love than most and have found something worth holding on to. Isn’t that enough? I may fear insignificance, it is not going to stop me from trying. What does fear do to us? It cripples us from moving forward and blinds us from our accomplishments. Fear stops us from taking chances. So, today I look at my fear, my greatest stronghold and know that it will not stop me from walking. I will not allow my fear to amplify my struggles or mock me when I fall. I will not listen when fear tells me I am not good enough. I do not need to be magnificent, perfect or of great importance to fulfill my dreams. What I do have to do is stop focusing on my self and focus on what I was made for, and since I don’t know the answer to that, I will consult my maker. He knows my ability, purpose and path and in him I will find my strength and courage to keep on walking.